"Mom" guilt

Right now I am grateful for several things. First thing - adrenaline. Why? It hijacks every other synapse in the brain but 'action'. Second - pure melalueca oil, non-stick Telfa bandages, Coban, and I thank GOD for an aunt and grandmother guardian angels that have faster hands than I do.

I was curling my hair before a family picnic in Kaysville. I finished. I turned the iron off. I didn't even have time to move the cord out of my baby's reach when his curiosity spurned him to pull on it and the iron caught him down the right leg. I've heard that scream before, when he had those horrid sores and pressure wounds from his clubfoot braces, and tonight I heard it again. At first Branden and I couldn't see where it had caught him, and then when I turned him around to check his face, we saw his knee. The iron was so hot still that where it touched him first, it took the skin with it right away, and where it hit him second blistered instantaneously. I had Branden hold him to keep his hands away from it while I dumped out my medicine drawer, scrabbling, PRAYING that I could find some melalueca oil...I wasn't even sure I had any in the house. Found some. Doused a cotton ball, soaked his leg with it, drenched a Telfa bandage and slapped that on the burns, then wrapped it all with coban to keep it on and keep his leg clean. I had time enough to grab a shirt (forget the bra) and the diaper bag before we ran out the house and up the ER.

My little Nugget was SO brave. The oil numbed him enough to calm him down on the drive, and he held my hand while I sat in the backseat with him, eating his cherry puffs and drinking his milk from his sippy cup and playing with his toes. He was even smiling and jabbering as we waited a few minutes in the waiting room. They're second degree burns. Sooo the doctor and nurse put some topical lidacaine on, gave him some num-nums (ibuprofen, he likes it), and let it all peak before they came back and had to debride the skin away. THAT was not cool. He screamed...but the fact that there were no tears associated with it was the dead giveaway with him that he wasn't actually in pain, he was just PISSED as all get out. When they were done and had him wrapped up again, he sat up and started grinning, jabbering, eating more puffs. And as we walked out about 90 minutes after arriving, he told the nurse 'thank-you' (he signs it), and just made the whole nurse's station smile. He didn't cry a bit on the drive home, just snugged his blanket. When we got home I wiped him down with a warm washrag, slathered his favorite lotion on his arms and chest, and we had a bottle and he went right to sleep.

I know he's okay, really...I've had 2nd degree sunburns before, I know they heal and they heal without issues...But the guilt. My word, the guilt. The cruel irony....I curl my hair about twice a year, if even that. I thought tonight it would be fun to have it wavy, look good since I just got it colored. I'm tempted to throw my iron out now, I get sick just looking at it. I know it could have been so much worse....he could have grabbed the barrel with his hand, it could have rolled down his face or his chest, but it didn't. It got the top of his right knee only, where it won't crease in a joint, he won't sleep on it, I can keep him in onesies or shorts for sleep so it won't rub on anything, and his clubfoot braces will keep his legs apart. It'll sting tomorrow, but I know he'll be fine. Now if I could just get rid of my guilt as quickly or as easily....why does your children's growing up have to be so hard on the parents?

Surgery and twice-baked Nugget

Life has been interesting lately. I know I've been slacking in my blogging, and I apologize. I've been having some problems with my left foot for about 2 months. At first they thought it was something called plantar faschiitis. They did an MRI to figure out what they could do. That MRI showed what appeared to be a cyst over the nerve junction on the top of my foot. I had surgery on Friday the 11th to remove it....
...and there was no cyst there.
Yup. Had my post-op follow up yesterday and, long story short, I have a muscle running down the front of my ankle that, instead of stopping there like it should, goes all the way down to my big toe, and the doctor said it's HUGE. It's been basically crushing the nerve into the bone below it, and the 'cyst' he was seeing on the contrast MRI was actually a build up of fluid from the inflamation from the damaged nerve. Owie:

We'll know in about 5 months, he said, whether or not permanent damage has been done; there's no way to tell how long this uber muscle has been squishing the nerve. If the damage is permanent, then the nerve is dead and and he'll have to go back in and resect it, or take it out. Until then, it's a waiting game. In the meantime, I'm off my foot save for potty breaks, only minimal weight bearing for 2 to 3 weeks. It's SO hard. Caden doesn't understand why Mommy won't get up and play with him when he grabs her finger. It upsets him, which upsets me. Luckily for both of us, both Grandmas have been taking good care of him. He's been having fun and knowing that he's taken care of helps me rest easier. I'll have pictures of his hijinks at Grandma Berrett's up in a few days when I get them off the camera.
And speaking of the little monster, a couple of days before the surgery he discovered a wonderful new place to play:

I was washing some dishes and had my back turned to him. He was taking pots out of the drawer in the bottom of the oven, and then I heard 'clank bang clank' and turned around...and nearly wet my pants I was laughing so hard. He had climbed in and had this grin on his face like he was king of the mountain. He played/sat in there for almost 45 minutes. He thought he was so cool. I love my little Nugget. His personality is going to make my recovery so much better.

He's walking!!!

It's been a couple of weeks now, but this is the first time I've been able to get a really good shot of it on video. Caden is walking!!!! We were told so many times when he was tiny that because of his Arthrogryposis that he probably wouldn't be able to without the help of walkers or arm crutches or some kind of adaptive equipment, but my little Nugget just gave all his doctors the royal "I'll show YOU" finger. His legs are still kinda stiff, and he kinda does the penguin as he walks, but he's walking. Not all the time, and not everywhere, but I'm going to take what I can get. Love this man. I'm so proud of him. He thinks he's all bad, and he is :) You go, Monster.

The mohawk hairdo is not his norm, by the way, but it's like that because he was so tired the night before I shot this, that he went to bed without wanting his bath first so he had hair gell in and woke up with crazy-head, hehe.

Fishies!!

Caden LOVES fish. He loves to watch "Finding Nemo" and he makes fishy faces when he does. So with Branden and mine's combined parental genius, we got us some season pass tickets to the Aquarium. We took him today. After we ditched the stroller (he was FREAKING OUT because of the gobs of people and how dark it was) and just had B hold him, he had a ball. He got to touch the manta rays in their pool (drenched his sleeves, didn't care). He squealed and put his face right up to the glass with the coral tank. Made fishy faces and giggled at the ginormous fish in another tank, and had penguins right up in his face next to the glass. We had so much fun. And he crashed HARD on the drive home. This and the zoo passes we got last month are probably going to wind up being the best investments we have ever made.










Lemme in, lemme in!!



These last 3 were in a little boat prop they had in one of the hallways. My little safari dude:


Nugget overboard!

Random goofiness

Hadn't posted in a few days, so I thought I'd share some goofy pictures of a week or so ago. We were at a party at Grandma's (Branden's) house and Caden was making us all laugh when he started imitating his Aunt Shantel's (Branden's sister) fishy faces. He thought he was the center of attention...and of course, he was.

And this is (still) what we wake up to every morning. He is the happiest little snot right out of bed..he immediately is full of bounces and giggles and absolutely raring to go for the day. Here he is fresh out of bed, full of life and ready to live it to its baby fullest. How can I not love it?

I love this child so much, some days it feels impossible to contain. I am so absolutely blessed to have him here, crooked as he came out. I love everything about him, and I thank my Heavenly Father daily for the opportunity I've been given to be handed this special, sweet soul to raise. What a show of trust on my Father's part, to make me a mother to him. I hope that I am, and might continue to be, able to do that job the justice my little Nugget deserves. I love you, Monster.

A tragedy

It's a sad, sad day for me. I've had a Pound Puppy since I was about 6 years old. I've played with him, slept with him, and generally had him around wherever I go since I got him. Even since I got married, I've had him with me. Well, I knew this day would come eventually, but still I wasn't prepared for it. I've lost this Pound Puppy. He has been assimilated by none other than:

He was having a hard time going down for an afternoon nap today; he was SO tired but just wouldn't sleep. So I took him into our bedroom to wrestle on the bed. Well after just a few minutes he started snuggin with the Pound Puppy so I laid him down again with the puppy and lo and behold, he went right to sleep. So I left it in his crib for bedtime, and when I checked on him at about 10 tonight, I found his seahorse moved out of the way and the puppy over his chest. Goofy boy.

I'm a slacker..but my baby's a shiner!

Or rather, he HAS a shiner (apologies for the lack of blogage, life became crazy), over his right eye. His very first. Mommy's so proud -insert sarcasm here-
Yesterday he was standing by the glass door leading to our deck, wanted to move to the sofa a few feet away, reached out to grab the drums to get there...but missed and landed eyeball-first on the edge of the stand. Here's some progressive shots of the beauty: First one is just a normal straight-on shot of it, but it's half hidden by his eyelid/eyeball - just wait, it gets better...

This one is a little closer view of it, from a little more underneath, you can see the swelling a lot better here:

Here's the real winner - close-up, with his eyelid kind of pulled up so you can see what a pretty dark red eyeshadow he's sporting:

It's a good things kids are so durable, this is a tough age on them (and on Mommy's nerves)!

Birthday boy...again

Sorry this took so long. These are some of the pictures from the party Caden had at Grandma Berrett's (Branden's mom's) house on Sunday the 20th. He had a blast, of course, and entertained us all. As you'll see in one of the slideshow pictures, Branden's mom thought it would be hilarious if, after Caden got two handfuls of sticky cake, she asked him "where's your ears?" Thanks Grandma ;) Needless to say, we had a bath at Grandma Berrett's house that night before going home!

So grown up

At just before 9:20 pm this day last year, my life changed forever. Little Caden Bradley (soon to be forever coined "Nugget") was born. How that year has flown by. He's faced so many challenges and accomplished so much despite that. He's touched lives of people who only see him once - they see his smile and like a shopper in Wal-Mart told me last month, "That just speaks to a total inner joy." How true she was. Caden's been such a blessing. We've had so much fun with him this year, and he's blessed us in so many ways. I've learned so much about adaptation and perseverance from him. He will always be our happy boy. Happy Birthday, Nugget, Mom and Dad love you so much.

Thanksgiving Day luvins

I know this comes a little after the fact, but here it is. I've never had more to be grateful for than I was this past Thanksgiving. I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father trusted me enough to send me my Nugget and his special needs. I'm grateful I have such a fantastic family and husband to support him. And I'm grateful that Caden's personality is the way it is - for all he's needed done, for all he will still need to be put through, I can say without hesitation that he is a child of pure joy. I hear his laugh, and the feeling I get is what I envision it must feel like to see God smile.
This Thanksgiving, he decided to spread his love with my sister, his Aunt Leicha. She was lying on the floor in a turkey-coma and he waddled over to share his blankie. Every time she'd snug up to it, he'd go "awwww" and snug right down next to her:

Lettin her give him some cuddles:

And him giving snuggles back:

The boy entertained the whole family for a good 30 minutes that night. I have a feeling he'll be doing that his entire life.

Favorite time of day

Caden LOVES bath time. Absolutely loves it, and he has ever since he was teeny tiny. Well it's become such an established routine, and baths have been at about the same time every night, that tonight when mommy was a little slow in getting the bath stuff ready, he decided he would just get himself ready. At about 7:30 pm he army crawled down the hall, poked his head into the bathroom, I wasn't there so he moved across the hall to his bedroom...I wasn't there either, so he moved back into the hall between the two rooms, rolled onto his side, and started trying to get his sock off. I about cried I was laughing so hard while watching him from the other end of the hall. Unadulterated hilarity. Every day I wonder how he could possibly do anything to make me love him more...and then tonight happened and the love-o-meter just shot up a bazillion points.

Mr. Happy Pants in his favorite place to play...the bathtub:

Sock puppets

Physical therapy from Early Intervention came last week. They gave me a pair of socks with little beads sewn into the top cuff, something fun to see and play with to make Nugget more aware of his feet (since they've been hidden in boots or casts most of his life) so he'll play with his toes and get a good stretch on his spine. Well he got bored with them on his feet so I stuck them on his hands:

Cash Cab and not-quite-butterfly kisses

For reasons we still don't understand, Caden loves Cash Cab. It's a show on the Discovery Channel - this cab driver is really the host of a little game show and when you get into his cab, he quizzes you with general knowledge type questions all the way to your destination and you win money as you get answers correct. We don't know if it's the timbre or sound of this guy's voice or the lights in the cab itself, but Nugget will stop EVERYTHING he's doing if he hears the theme song and he'll watch an entire 30 min of it without losing interest. Here he is staring at the host:

And still staring (same episode, 20 min in) as the lights go disco and blink and flash on the roof of the cab:

And new this week; kisses. Or sort-of kisses. When I'm holding Caden...if I chew on something, or even if I have nothing in my mouth and just make the sound and motion of chowin down, he'll open his mouth wide and come in for the lunge. I can't decide if they're kisses or if he just thinks he's a bird and and I'll give him the food in my mouth. If you look close (pictures enlarge if clicked on) you can see his tongue out (and my mouth closed of course). I think in this particular shot, I had some Reese's Pieces in there. Nutjob:

Halloween '09

So, this Halloween was kind of a 'poke fun at' holiday. Some therapists that work with kids with the Distal Arthrogryposis (which is what Caden has) lovingly call them "lobsters" because of the way their hands are kind of stiff and move like little mittens or 'claws'. Darn it all if I didn't find a lobster costume on Babies R Us's website...

This is what the back looked like as he was on his tummy and hands:

And this is the full Halloween get-up at my Mom's house Halloween night; Me and Brando the chefs and our little lobster. YUM. (he's squeal-laughing, by the way, not crying) Where's the butter?

Halloween was so fun. Nugget was so patient. Didn't mind being stuffed into the costume for 3 days, didn't mind sittin in his pot. And actually he thought the pot was kinda fun, just put his hands on the edges and hung out like it was some fun ride as we toted him around. The family loved him, and the pictures turned out so cute. Great day. The holidays are going to be so much more fun now that we have a kid of our own.

Ponseti's Angels

Every once in a while a person of note whom you've never met will fall ill, face a tragedy, or pass away ... and you suddenly find yourself feeling emotions for that person who is unknown to you. When I read today that Doctor Ignacio Ponseti, father of the Ponseti method of treatment for clubfeet, passed away I felt like crying. He was 95 and up until a couple of years ago, was still seeing and actively treating patients. And then I DID cry. I have not been one of the blessed parents to have met him personally, and at first I was a little surprised at the strength of the emotions that I felt toward this man I never met. And yet, in a profound way, he HAS touched my life, and especially the life of my Nugget, in a way that truly is miraculous. When I think of what COULD have been, what his life COULD have been like, and now isn't and won't be because of the tremendous accomplishments and strides Ponseti made in the medical field, I have nothing but overwhelming gratitude for the impact he has made upon, literally, the entire world. I know I will always be grateful for what he has done for me and for the precious children whom he has given a new and normal stride in life....Ponseti's Angels. I fill with gratitude, and a little heartbreak now, to say that Caden is among them.

Bittersweet nostaglia

This may not look like much and in fact from this vantage point, it seems like rather plain old potato soup in a big pot on the stove.

It's my grandmother's clam chowder. I decided it was soup weather a few days ago, and called my mom for the recipe. Decidedly easy to make. Decidedly difficult to get down tear free.
Through no skill of my own, I'm sure, it turned out just like hers. The smell of it brought back memories of her little kitchen with its funky carpet and the wall next to the table that was always warm to the touch (it was actually where the vents to the furnace were, heh). I could smell the house, I could hear the clink of the spoons against the china bowls she'd serve it in, I could see her in the room, sitting across the table watching us eat it with that smile of hers....she always looked so regal, her features so refined in their age, her hair just the right shade of gray.
I didn't realize until tonight how much I actually miss my Grandma Trotta. I was living in Washington still when she passed away, and wasn't able to make it back for the funeral. I had no one to share the grief with, no one to seek the comfort from because they were hurting just like me. Worst, though, I think...I never got to say good-bye. My good-bye came in the form of a few emailed words written by me and spoken by my sister at her funeral, and a few fingers kissed to her gravestone-less mound of grass at the cemetery when I flew down for Memorial Day.
I guess this is as fitting a tribute as any, really. If there was one thing Grandma Trotta loved, it was to do things for the family, to make us grandkids smile. Well it did just that, Grandma, even if there were more than a few tears mixed in, and your little Nugget great-grandson got to try some as well; I do wish you could see him now, but I'm comforted here in knowing that the day he was born, he left your arms for mine. I miss you so much, and love you always. Give Otis a few extra belly rubs from me.

If one were to ask me how my day went, in the spirit of Grandma Trotta, my answer would be a smile and the simple words, "Miserably well."

"I gots rhythm"

Men out there, look away, and my deepest apologies to my brothers; my son is a dancer.

His exersaucer has a tree that plays music if its buttons are pushed enough times. Caden was pushing them deliberately to get to the music, and then as soon as it would kick up he'd start jivin - bouncing his feet, smackin his hands on the edge of the saucer, grinning. I managed to get the camera in time to catch him in the act. He'd stop when the music did, reach up and push the buttons, and then boogie once the music started up again. Absolutely hysterical. Honestly, when does this child not make us laugh?

Bouncy mattress + hilarious 8 month old =

...this. Last night I'd undressed him in preparation for bath time and had him in his crib. Well he discovered that his mattress is both soft and bouncy. He can sit up mostly on his own and now only tips backwards when he wants to. And he wanted to. Every time I sat him up, he'd flop backwards, bounce as he hit, and then laugh. Dunno if you can see it in the video (you can on the camera cause it's a little less grainy) but he's got little ab lines on his tummy from hoistin the casts and now his bar around. My kid is ripped! (and I'm kinda jealous!)

Camping...kind of

So the family camping trip to the cabin came and went a little faster for me and Nugget than it did the rest of the fam. We got the okay from the pediatrician to go up, and on Thursday he did just fine. Thursday night to Friday, not so much. He was up 4 times through the night (for a kid that's been sleeping through the night since he was 2 months old) and then wouldn't nap at all on Friday. After a trip to Mirror Lake on Friday afternoon, he threw up everything so I called it quits and he and I came home Friday night. We did manage to get a few fun shots of him though. This first one is when we just got there and I pulled him out of the car. He loves the outdoors:

This was a little later that day, Thursday. I put him in a back carrier and toted him about. LOVED it...obviously:

Thursday night. Both him and I are beat:

Nugget's nasty week

We've been really really lucky since Caden was born, and he's only had 1 cold since December. Well his luck wore out this week :( Last Monday night he was kinda grump, and Tuesday morning he woke up at about midnight with a fever of close to 101, had a horrible nasty diaper, and was all around just discontent. All that day he kept having nasty diapers, I couldn't keep his fever down, and he was completely uninterested in solids OR his bottles. Took him to his pediatrician and they're culturing for crypto, giardia (or however that's spelled) and rotovirus. Well the diarrhea kept on but by Friday he was KIND of acting better, his fever broke, and he was a little more interested in food. But he's gone back downhill now. The fever's back, the diarrhea's back, and now tonight he threw up twice and I had to force him to take his post-bath bottle, something he NEVER doesn't want. And his little bum is just so raw from it all, the diaper rash is horrible and it hurts him to sit for too long.

Dad and Aaron (thank you!) came over tonight to give him a blessing and he seems to be sleeping peacefully. I'll be calling the pediatrician again tomorrow regardless because after his bath tonight I noticed that his little fontanel is starting to get a little concave, beginnings of dehydration methinks. What a week to fall ill :( If he doesn't vastly improve by Tuesday, I'm going to have to call off camping with the family up at the cabin this weekend and stay home alone with him. No WAY would I be taking him up to the Uintas while he's like this. Poor Nugget. Get better soon, love!